Writing task 2
Topic:- (Cambridge Test Book 1, page 32)
"There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more importanat than the international music that is heard everywhere nowdays?"
Most of people believe that (the) music is the soul of the body. In this essay,(P) I (will)(G) shall(present)(WC)discuss ('present' , here, conveys a meaning as if you will play different types of music) the different kinds of music and the reasons why (do) people listen to music.(Another sentence indicating your own position regarding the type of music you think is more important, would have made this intro a classic three-sentence intro. Still, it is agood brief intro) [Ditto from me, Amna, it needed a further topic sentence to expand the importance of music from YOUR viewpoint]
It is undeniable that music is a beautiful art. These days we can listen to (many) different types of music, for example: western, traditional, classical, jazz and so on. (WC I do not like "etc".) Some people think that a particular type of music can reflect the person's personality or his (mode)(S) mood. In other words, (sensetive)(S)sensitive type of people mostly like classical(S) while (anger)(G) angry and (nervse)(S) nervous people like some type of jazz. In my point of view, people need music because it makes them comfortable and relaxed. Not only that, (P) but also it could help them in reducing their problems and (tentions)(S) tensions. In addition, most [of ] people (like)(WC) take music as a type of enjoyment in their life and it reflects(G) their happiness, (like)(WC) take for example what is happening in the weddings.(In this paragaraph, Amna has discussed the reasons why people need music including her viewpoint) [Definitely she has discussed the question in a mature, balanced manner - maybe she could have talked a bit more about her personal tastes in music...]
(On the other hand)As far as the importance of type of music for a country is concerned, I strongly believe that traditional music is the most important type of music that our country should take care of. I am convinced that it reflect (SVA) our country's past and (in) (G) at the same time it is the (base)(S) basis of the furture trend. Moreover, in my view, there are certain types of musical equipments (G) that are used for our traditional music which make it different from other country's type. Traditional music will also cover our traditional (R) dance. It is commonly said that International music is our target and we should change our type(repetition) which I really disagree with.[Hmmmm, not really sure about that final point, try to make the last sentence in the paragraph clear and STRONG!]
In conclusion, music can play a very important part in our life and personality. It could be different from one person to another or even from one country to another, but at the end music is the (bone)(WC) foundation of each beautiful art.
Amna Al Zaabi
Well done again, Amna!
You are improving fast.Keep posting;the more you do, the better you become.
---------------------------25 December up-date from Tony -----------------------------
I echo Dr Rashid's wise words. I was expecting Amna to relate the topic to her personal tastes in music and the cultural heritage of the UAE. Do not be shy to talk about your home country in relation to the wider world. At the same time time, try not to be too narrow in your focus as well - we like to see "internationalism", don't we?
Super work Amna.
Terrific support, Dr Rashid, thank you, sir!
Come on the rest of you, time is running away from you.
Tony
25 December 2005
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Strengths of your writing:
1-You have used 4-paragraph and 3:5:5:3-senetence format.
2-Adequate length of essay - more than 250 words.
3-You have used connecting words and techniques of COHESION and COHERENCE.
4-You have written a brief intro and conclusion.
You need to work on your:
1-Spelling, punctuation and grammar - go to Hong Kong IELTS website.(website is given in Mr.Tony's handout.)
2-Your vocabulary - read as much as you can.
3-Your ideas and general knowledge - read newspapers, check the BBC website
General Task 2 Tips:
1-Allocate the first 5 minutes for brainstorming, outlining a format, writing down for- and against-vocabulary (especially synonyms of the key words in the title) and arranging ideas.
2-Start writing according to the format, either in a dissertation or argument style, coherently and cohesively, avoiding repetition.
3-Save some time for reviewing your writing.
4-Time your performance during practice - try to finish it in 40 minutes or less.
Rashid Saleem
"There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more importanat than the international music that is heard everywhere nowdays?"
Most of people believe that (the) music is the soul of the body. In this essay,(P) I (will)(G) shall(present)(WC)discuss ('present' , here, conveys a meaning as if you will play different types of music) the different kinds of music and the reasons why (do) people listen to music.(Another sentence indicating your own position regarding the type of music you think is more important, would have made this intro a classic three-sentence intro. Still, it is agood brief intro) [Ditto from me, Amna, it needed a further topic sentence to expand the importance of music from YOUR viewpoint]
It is undeniable that music is a beautiful art. These days we can listen to (many) different types of music, for example: western, traditional, classical, jazz and so on. (WC I do not like "etc".) Some people think that a particular type of music can reflect the person's personality or his (mode)(S) mood. In other words, (sensetive)(S)sensitive type of people mostly like classical(S) while (anger)(G) angry and (nervse)(S) nervous people like some type of jazz. In my point of view, people need music because it makes them comfortable and relaxed. Not only that, (P) but also it could help them in reducing their problems and (tentions)(S) tensions. In addition, most [of ] people (like)(WC) take music as a type of enjoyment in their life and it reflects(G) their happiness, (like)(WC) take for example what is happening in the weddings.(In this paragaraph, Amna has discussed the reasons why people need music including her viewpoint) [Definitely she has discussed the question in a mature, balanced manner - maybe she could have talked a bit more about her personal tastes in music...]
(On the other hand)As far as the importance of type of music for a country is concerned, I strongly believe that traditional music is the most important type of music that our country should take care of. I am convinced that it reflect (SVA) our country's past and (in) (G) at the same time it is the (base)(S) basis of the furture trend. Moreover, in my view, there are certain types of musical equipments (G) that are used for our traditional music which make it different from other country's type. Traditional music will also cover our traditional (R) dance. It is commonly said that International music is our target and we should change our type(repetition) which I really disagree with.[Hmmmm, not really sure about that final point, try to make the last sentence in the paragraph clear and STRONG!]
In conclusion, music can play a very important part in our life and personality. It could be different from one person to another or even from one country to another, but at the end music is the (bone)(WC) foundation of each beautiful art.
Amna Al Zaabi
Well done again, Amna!
You are improving fast.Keep posting;the more you do, the better you become.
---------------------------25 December up-date from Tony -----------------------------
I echo Dr Rashid's wise words. I was expecting Amna to relate the topic to her personal tastes in music and the cultural heritage of the UAE. Do not be shy to talk about your home country in relation to the wider world. At the same time time, try not to be too narrow in your focus as well - we like to see "internationalism", don't we?
Super work Amna.
Terrific support, Dr Rashid, thank you, sir!
Come on the rest of you, time is running away from you.
Tony
25 December 2005
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Strengths of your writing:
1-You have used 4-paragraph and 3:5:5:3-senetence format.
2-Adequate length of essay - more than 250 words.
3-You have used connecting words and techniques of COHESION and COHERENCE.
4-You have written a brief intro and conclusion.
You need to work on your:
1-Spelling, punctuation and grammar - go to Hong Kong IELTS website.(website is given in Mr.Tony's handout.)
2-Your vocabulary - read as much as you can.
3-Your ideas and general knowledge - read newspapers, check the BBC website
General Task 2 Tips:
1-Allocate the first 5 minutes for brainstorming, outlining a format, writing down for- and against-vocabulary (especially synonyms of the key words in the title) and arranging ideas.
2-Start writing according to the format, either in a dissertation or argument style, coherently and cohesively, avoiding repetition.
3-Save some time for reviewing your writing.
4-Time your performance during practice - try to finish it in 40 minutes or less.
Rashid Saleem
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